I regret two things: Not becoming anorexic when I had the chance, and not realizing I could emancipate myself from my neglectful guardians. Just think, I could have been a skinny, well-educated, bi-coastal, bi-sexual biped. Let that be a lesson to you, girls. Run the hell away from your crap homes in your crap towns, starve yourself, and things ( Read more... )

Babette! Now if I can just get published, you'll be able to make her your favorite, too.

There once was a lawyer named Fenton
Whose hobbies included badminton
When he shuttled his cock
The ladies were shocked
And asked, "Who are you, Bill Clinton?"

for Jim Fenton and Cathy Shrader, composed by yours truly just before the parting glass one fine summer night in the heartland.

Fate is just another word for "accident," so what's not to believe? Accidents happen all the time.

Is this really even a question? Zombies, clearly.

Just yesterday I had to fight off a few dozen on the freeway, then I heard about all of them freaking out over Swine Flu, and of course I've been running from religious zombies my whole life.

There are too many dealbreakers to name, but I'll get started on a partial list.

If the guy says he loves me within the first 6 months: dealbreaker. If the guy says I'd make a great mom within the first 60 years: dealbreaker. If the guy breathes too loudly during a movie: dealbreaker. If the guy has ever voted Republican: dealbreaker. If the guy is ( Read more... )

Do you really love me, or do you just want food?

Culinary school, then liposuction; fashion institute, then rehab; fabulous wedding to rockstar from rehab, then splashy tabloid divorce; buy my way into the upper echelons of Scientology, then have an epiphanic conversion to normalcy while on Oprah; buy a couple of congresspeople, then have them pass a law that my company is the only internet ( Read more... )

The fox: wily, intuitive, and of course, red.

Just one place? I couldn't choose. Put me on a boat that never stays in port longer than a month (and don't forget to populate the boat with clean, handsome young sailors), and I'm happy forever.